Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B: A Deep Dive into Cultural Angst
Illustration by Simon Lee Robson
Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B: A Deep Dive into Cultural Angst
by Timothy Simon Langton
“By a complete transubstantiation within the texture of time and space, Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B, was composed of luminaries (entirely) from German culture.”
Historians are often puzzled by the existence of Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B, a group supposedly formed by Germany’s greatest thinkers, musicians, and athletes. Whether this was an experimental submarine mission or just a bad idea fuelled by too much schnapps remains a matter of academic debate.
The Crew: Imagine the scene, in one corner of the cramped U-boat, Beethoven is furiously scribbling down his 10th Symphony, undeterred by his inability to hear the torpedo alarms. Across the room, Nietzsche is telling everyone that God is dead, only to be met with Hegel’s enthusiastic attempt to synthesise this with literally everything. A little to the right, Heidegger and Goethe are arguing over who gets the top bunk, with Heidegger claiming, “Only in the bunkiness of the bunk can one truly discover its essence.” Goethe simply responds with some poetry and a side-eye.
Beckenbauer, arguably one of the more athletic members, attempts to lead the crew in calisthenics but ends up despairing when Rilke insists that they should first “embrace the metaphysical solitude of the push-up.” Mann, lounging nearby with a novel that’s already 600 pages long, mutters something about “the decline of Western civilisation,” while Kinski is doing his best to make everyone feel profoundly uncomfortable without even saying a word.
Meanwhile, Wagner is trying to stage an opera in the engine room, presumably about love, betrayal, and heavy brass sections. However, this causes a bit of friction with Schelling, who believes the production should reflect “the unity of the subjective and objective in an absolute identity.” No one knows what that means, but it doesn’t stop him from having opinions.
In summary, while Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B might sound like an idea for a bizarre reality show, it serves as a cautionary tale about the perils of cramming too many geniuses into a confined space. Some say the U-boat was lost in the Atlantic; others believe it never even left the dry dock at La Rochelle. Regardless, if it existed, it was probably a very loud and very intense place to be—and, above all, extremely German.
Das Unterboot Crew 54 Division B is available as a Greeting Card at the Arte Delux store